Monday, December 7, 2015

Message in a Bottle

I'm wallowing in discouragement over abandoning yet another novel, and putting blogs where I rant about stuff I think on hold, because why do I think anyone cares what I think, and how 2008 is blogging? So, I'm not going to go running my mouth off until I decide, fuck it, I feel like writing another one, and people can either read it or not, it's up to them. I'm just going to shut up, until I lose interest in shutting up.

In the mean time, I'm doing writing prompts, and publishing them here because it generally provides me with at least a little bit of instant gratification, unlike novel writing, which provides the exact opposite.

While at the beach you decide to write a message in a bottle. What would it say? Who would you like to find it? 

Dear Bottle Finder,

Jealous! Like most people, I've always wanted to find a message in a bottle, but I never have. Probably never will, because while people love throwing garbage in the ocean, they don't want to actually put any effort into it. Effort stands in opposition to the whole point of throwing things in the ocean. So there are hardly any messages in bottles. It's a pretty inefficient means of communication, too. However, if I want more messages in bottles floating around in the ocean, it starts with me. Be the change you want to see.

You probably don't speak English, or know anyone who does. If you're a person at all, which you probably aren't. More than likely, this bottle full of now water-damaged paper will migrate toward one of those massive conglomerates of garbage that litter our oceans. I hear these are now starting to mix with natural materials and form a new kind of rock thingie. So, whether you don't speak English, or you're a pile of inanimate objects, I'm not going to give you any advice. What do I know of your life? Even my most fundamentally held beliefs might not be of any use to you.

Assuming you're a person and you speak English, you're probably me when I'm really old. That should merit a one page human interest story in People magazine. I've enclosed some pictures. That should be interesting, whether you don't speak English, or you're old me.

Other than that, I'd only put a message in a bottle if I were stranded on a desert island. Where I probably wouldn't have a bottle with a lid, but you never know. In that case, I'm not so much trying to communicate a profound message to humanity as I am trying to get off this island. So, help! I don't know where I am, but you're smart - I bet you can figure it out.

Either way, no doubt you're a lovely person with beautiful hair, and, I am sure, many stories to tell. Now you have another one. You once found a bottle with some foreign text in it! Just like I sometimes tell people I was once supposed to be on a plane that crashed and everyone died, or that my dad and brother have both been struck by lightening. I hope you're a kid, because this would be so much more exciting for a kid. Let your imagination run wild. Not being able to read this should help. I've also enclosed a fraudulent treasure map. I'm not being cruel, I just think it might be fun for you.

Maybe next time you find a message in a bottle, there will be some candy in it.



It's funny that pirates were always going around searching for treasure, and they never realized that the real treasure was the fond memories they were creating. 
-Jack Handey

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